Tag: Feelings

Mental Health, Yourself

When Your Feelings Make Sense, But You Still Judge Yourself for Them

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Our feelings are indicators and they can be based on a number of things. Some of those things are happening in the present. Some relate to things in our past. Some are rational. Some are not. This post is not about trying to make every feeling be explainable. It is about times when your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them.

In my work lately I have been struggling emotionally. This morning, I took a bit of time to reflect and asked myself what I was feeling. Some of the emotion words that came up were – lonely, uncertain, frustrated. Can you relate? I noticed that even acknowledging these feelings brought up self-judgement in me. This self-judgement adds further negativity and is part of a trauma response. My inner critic, actually wants to protect me in certain ways based on my past. In the process, though, he tends to berate me.

Realize the self-judgement is likely a trauma response

Many people who go through trauma as a child receive the message that their feelings are not valid. This message of judgement toward feelings or expressions of feelings is therefore rooted in this trauma. Even this realization can be helpful to you.

Getting curious

More and more I am learning about the power of curiosity with my feelings. Rather than simply accepting the self-judgement, I chose to approach these feelings with some curiosity. The more I kindly looked at what I had been experiencing, I realized how much it made sense. In some ways, it was as if I were hearing a friend describe how they felt in my situation. I was able to say to myself, of course you feel lonely. That makes so much sense given what you are going through.

“That makes so much sense given what you are going through.”

When your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them, may I offer that self-compassion be one of the tools you enlist in these times.

Self-compassion

What self-compassion is not meant to be:

  • License to treat people poorly. Yes, your feelings are valid, but that does not mean you get to take them out on other people.
  • License to wallow in self-pity. There is definitely a line to watch out for when self-compassion can cross over into self-pity.

Kristen Neff shares about self-compassion in her books and talks. Some ways to cultivate self-compassion that she shares:

  1. Speak kindly to yourself.
  2. Spend time doing things you truly enjoy.
  3. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
  4. Strive to avoid judgements and assumptions.
  5. Take care of your mind and your body.
  6. Cultivate acceptance, including your flaws.

Another lesson I learned from Kristen was the value in acknowledging to yourself. This is hard, while recognizing the common-ness of hard things that we humans face. Kristen provides a self-compassion break exercise on her site that I use regularly.

I hope you find this helpful when your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them.

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

10 Things Christians Can Do When They Feel Antsy

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I think we all have those times when we feel a bit unsettled, or a bit antsy. Many times, as Christians, we are given the impression that if only our faith was great enough, we would never feel anxious. In this post I want to provide some really practical things you can do when you feel anxious or unsettled, while still acknowledging that God is on the throne.

1 Feel the feeling

I can hear people arguing already. After all doesn’t the Bible tell us many times not to fear and to be anxious for nothing? It does, however H. Norman Wright’s writings on grief helped me to see the tone with which these admonitions were likely given with and that is one of strengthening and encouraging, rather than scolding. Think of how you might handle if your small child woke in the middle of a storm, the tone with which you might say, “awe, hon’ you don’t have to be afraid, I’m right here.”

When we are willing to feel our feelings, rather than trying to stuff them, we will often find that the feelings can process through and not get stuck or stuffed, only to re-surface another time.

2 Breath prayer

Once we have connected with the feeling(s), it can be very helpful to involve our parasympathetic nervous system. This is a physiological system that is involved in regulating us, calming us down. Slow rhythmic breathing is one such skill that can be engaged in to bring this system more online. Breath prayer incorporates the slow rhythmic breathing with praying. So we slowly inhale focusing on a truth, and slowly exhale focusing on a truth. Some of my favorites are (while inhaling) focus on “My God is here” (while exhaling) “I am at peace” – see how each phrase has 4 syllables, this helps it to stay rhythmic. I’ve since learned that extended exhales can be even more calming. So now I often have a shorter phrase for the inhale and a longer for the exhale. Example: (while inhaling) “My God is here.” (while exhaling) “I am loved and have a sound mind.” This gives me a count of 4 syllables on the inhale and 8 on the exhale. I generally will repeat these phrases/breaths at least 3 to 5 times. I highly recommend this as a very practical way of addressing the immediate sensations of anxiousness, but also as I pro-active practice throughout the day.

3 Grounding in the now

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

The only time we can do or feel anything is now. Very often when we are feeling antsy it has to do with our mind being in a different place than our body. Our mind may be focusing on the past or the future, while our body is here now. I’ve learned a few exercises over the years that can help to ground me in the now, where faith is. One of my favorites is all about utilizing our five senses to connect directly with what is happening right now. If you find your mind is all over the place in terms of racing thoughts, try looking for 5 things you can see right now, 4 things you can touch/feel right now, 3 things you can hear right now, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. The 5 senses help ground us in now. This also is a great rescue tool, meaning it can be utilized right in the moments of panic.

4 Self compassion – through touch

Dr. Kristin Neff has written extensively on self-compassion. One of the things I learned from her was the value of offering ourselves compassion through physical touch. When we experience unsettling feelings, it can be very helpful to simply place our hand gently on our hearts. Combining this with breath prayer can be very powerful.

5 Reminders of prior successes

Sometimes when I am going through antsy feelings, I lose perspective and begin to think everything I do is failing. In order to bring more perspective to this, it can be very helpful to remind ourselves of prior successes. A truth I would offer you to embrace is that you have successfully gotten through every challenge you have faced thus far in your life. I don’t mean everything is resolved. I don’t mean you handled them all the way you would always want to. The reality is you have done the best you can up until now and that is worthy of appreciation.

6 Pen and paper

I know journaling can be something that a person tends to gravitate toward or against. I want to encourage you, if you are feeling agitated to give it a try. There is something about the tactile sensation of putting pen (or pencil) to paper. Additionally this can help get things out of our head and onto paper where sometimes we can see things from a new perspective. A few options if you don’t prefer to journal in full sentences include just jotting down words or phrases that are on your mind, or doodling. Both of these still accomplish much.

7 Move body

I have found often when I feel antsy, I feel a bit of an adrenaline rush. To process this, it can be very helpful to move our body. My favorite is to go for a walk in nature. Dr. Andrew Huberman, a Stanford Neurobiologist, shares that dogs tend to shake when they need to release stress and this is something we can benefit from as well. Additionally, he shares the value of broadening our visual focus in times of stress. Looking out a window can be very helpful.

8 Reach out

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

God designed us to live in connection to one another. He sent His son because He desired a larger family (Romans 8:29). Sometimes the best thing we can do is make a connection with another human being, not for them to replace God, but for them to remind us that we are each humans in need of our God.

9 Think eternally

“Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” Colossians 3:2

This may sound somewhat contradictory to item #3 above, which spoke about the only real time we can do anything is now. As I explain further, I hope it will become clear how both of these approaches can be helpful and are not actually adversarial in any way. Thinking eternally simply puts the now in perspective. I’m sure you have heard people share that when you are in a disagreement with someone you love, a good practice can be to think about if this issue will matter in 5 years. Similarly, it can be very helpful when we are in distress to remind ourselves that God has all of time figured out and that is something we can keep our trust in Him for.

10 Set up Rhythms of Grace

My last tip for those times that you feel antsy, is something I’ve been learning the value of more and more over the years. It is grounded in the idea that decision fatigue is a real thing. Sometimes we literally get tired just from all the decisions that are required of us on an ongoing basis. In order to minimize this type of stress, I like to incorporating things in my life that I call “Rhythms of Grace.” These are things I can and do practice on pretty much auto-pilot – no need for decisions each day. Brushing your teeth is likely one of these for most people. We just tend to get up, head to the bathroom and brush our teeth. This serves us well, but is not something we have to invest a lot of mental efforts into. During this last year, I have chosen some things that I have incorporated into my day in a similar way. Since it is very helpful to have these things anchored with things – the same way brushing your teeth is anchored with getting up in the morning – I have chosen 5 general times in the day that I have anchored “Rhythms of Grace.” For me that is 1) first thing in the morning 2) mid-morning 3) mid-afternoon 4) evening 5) when going to bed. I can share the specifics of mine, but the specifics of yours can and should, most likely look different. For me first thing in the morning, I begin with breath prayer right in bed … I love waking up taking a deep breath and thinking something like “It’s Christ in me” “I am enough” or “My God is here” “I am at peace” Mid-morning and mid-afternoon I have alarms in my phone to remind myself to be present. I have scriptures I read and breath deeply at these times. In the evening I move my body in someway – most often taking a walk outside. When going to bed – I try to end each night with prayers of gratitude and taking time to honor successes. For me this means that I try to reflect on things that I considered “wins” from the day. They can be big or small. As you can see my rhythms don’t take a ton of time, but they are conscious ways to incorporate many of the things I listed in the above tips.

I pray some of these things can help you in moments of panic or stress and some can help to minimize the amount of stress you experience. Please feel free to reach out in the comments if you need prayer.