Tag: emotions

Mental Health, Yourself

When Your Feelings Make Sense, But You Still Judge Yourself for Them

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Our feelings are indicators and they can be based on a number of things. Some of those things are happening in the present. Some relate to things in our past. Some are rational. Some are not. This post is not about trying to make every feeling be explainable. It is about times when your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them.

In my work lately I have been struggling emotionally. This morning, I took a bit of time to reflect and asked myself what I was feeling. Some of the emotion words that came up were – lonely, uncertain, frustrated. Can you relate? I noticed that even acknowledging these feelings brought up self-judgement in me. This self-judgement adds further negativity and is part of a trauma response. My inner critic, actually wants to protect me in certain ways based on my past. In the process, though, he tends to berate me.

Realize the self-judgement is likely a trauma response

Many people who go through trauma as a child receive the message that their feelings are not valid. This message of judgement toward feelings or expressions of feelings is therefore rooted in this trauma. Even this realization can be helpful to you.

Getting curious

More and more I am learning about the power of curiosity with my feelings. Rather than simply accepting the self-judgement, I chose to approach these feelings with some curiosity. The more I kindly looked at what I had been experiencing, I realized how much it made sense. In some ways, it was as if I were hearing a friend describe how they felt in my situation. I was able to say to myself, of course you feel lonely. That makes so much sense given what you are going through.

“That makes so much sense given what you are going through.”

When your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them, may I offer that self-compassion be one of the tools you enlist in these times.

Self-compassion

What self-compassion is not meant to be:

  • License to treat people poorly. Yes, your feelings are valid, but that does not mean you get to take them out on other people.
  • License to wallow in self-pity. There is definitely a line to watch out for when self-compassion can cross over into self-pity.

Kristen Neff shares about self-compassion in her books and talks. Some ways to cultivate self-compassion that she shares:

  1. Speak kindly to yourself.
  2. Spend time doing things you truly enjoy.
  3. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
  4. Strive to avoid judgements and assumptions.
  5. Take care of your mind and your body.
  6. Cultivate acceptance, including your flaws.

Another lesson I learned from Kristen was the value in acknowledging to yourself. This is hard, while recognizing the common-ness of hard things that we humans face. Kristen provides a self-compassion break exercise on her site that I use regularly.

I hope you find this helpful when your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them.

Mental Health, Mind

Noticing When You are Caring Something That is Not Yours To Carry

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One warning sign I have begun to tune into is a feeling exhaustion. There are a number of things that can lead to this exhaustion. Such things as doing more physical work than usual, are easy to understand. The mental or emotional exhaustion is harder to discern. In today’s post I want to talk about noticing when you are caring something that is not yours to carry.

One particular scripture strikes me as speaking directly to this type of feeling.

What God Says

“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:28-29

How Things Get Added to Our Load

Despite the invitation Jesus offers us, our lives offer many opportunities to add to our load.

Last night I had a conversation with my husband about a medical concern. It was the sort of thing that had no right answer. The kind of thing about which neither of us had much control at all. We had very different responses. He just wanted to let it be. I wanted to do something. Again, this was not about what was right or wrong, it was just different responses due to a number of factors. This conversation came after a long day at work for each of us.

My day included a tough conversation with a former coworker who’s grandson had just been born extremely prematurely. As I spoke with this former coworker, my heart ached as I could certainly imagine how hard his situation was. I told him I would be praying for him, his grandson and his family. While I did follow through with that praying, I also carried the sadness and fear.

At the end of my work day, I was told that a colleague had been approved for long term disability. This put a sudden end to a 20 plus year career. My heart ached for her. I had a conversation with her a couple of months prior where she implored me to see that she was capable of doing the work. More praying, but no releasing.

As I worked that day, I contemplated concerns I had for our home, for our children, for their work, for relationships. All of these increased the load both mentally and emotionally. Scripture tells us what to do with our cares.

What to Do

casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

Last night as I took my walk, I told God, “I’m tired.” This is when he showed me, I was tired because I was caring somethings that were not mine to carry. Can you relate?

I’m learning I cannot feel other people’s feelings for them.  It can be kind to empathize with another person, and even as you hear things imagine what it must be like for them.  But truly you cannot feel their feelings for them and therefore you being distraught about a situation, does nothing to relieve their pain.  Being present to listen well to them can help them feel seen and heard and that matters.

May I encourage each of us to notice when things get too heavy. When they do, may we release what is not ours to carry to God. May we go to Jesus and receive rest.

Mind, Yourself

The Power of Slowing Down

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“I have got to do something.” “I have got to get out of here.” As I have begun paying attention, I’ve begun noticing how bossy emotions can be at times. This is where the power of slowing down has been one of my newer tools.

When I notice thoughts coming too fast to process, I try to pause, breath, then slow down. It is counterintuitive, but powerful. I find slowing down in these times, actually often leads to more, not less, productivity.

A few questions I find that are helpful:

  1. Is my body tense?
  2. Am I being invited into this, or do I feel rushed or pushed?
  3. Am I here now, or have I, mentally, moved ahead of myself?

Next time you find yourself pressing through, I invite you to pause, relax your body and slow down. I think you’ll find you get just as much done, but with much more peace.

Body, Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

Sleep and Our Feelings

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So often when I read of the importance of sleep, I get frustrated. This is because I want to sleep and sometimes struggle with actually doing it. Have you been there? Does it ever feel like you’re not sure who is in charge in the middle of the night. The you who desperately wants to sleep or the you who is wide awake? For this reason, this post is not going to discuss the importance of sleep and how it impacts many areas of our waking hours including our feelings. It will instead give some real-world practical suggestions for things to do in those wee hours when you want to be sleeping but are not.

Focus more on the now than on the coming day

It is so easy to get into the what if dialog within your brain when you wake repeatedly in the night. Certainly there are effects we feel when we’ve missed sleep, and the reality is, we have gotten through all our prior rough days that followed nights with little to no sleep.

Count breaths backwards

This can be an extension of focusing on the now. As silly as it may seem but counting backwards in weird increments can actually give your brain something to focus on that is not ruminating about things you cannot control. An example can be to count backward starting at 128 in increments of 7. So 128, 121, 114, 107, 100, 93, etc.

Play the alphabet game

This is something I learned from Lynn Lyons, she suggests when we get anxious, it can be a helpful way to get our brains to break focus on what we don’t want to be focusing on and challenge them to focus on something else by playing the alphabet game in any given category. One of my favorite ways to use this is to work through the alphabet praying for people or things I know that start with an A, then a B and so on. Another option I do is work through confessions about myself for each letter. For example: I am appreciative. I am blessed. I am compassionate. Finally another favorite for me is to name off attributes of God. This fits right in with scripture.

“You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.” Isaiah 26:3

Body Scan

Deliberately move your awareness around from one body part to another slowly. Right thumb, right index finger, etc.

I pray some of these are helpful if you find yourself wanting to sleep, but your mind not being as cooperative as you would like. Are there any hints you’ve found especially useful? I’d love to hear.