In this post I will go over 3 signs that you might be avoiding your feelings and follow it up with some suggestions of what to do instead.
1 You are getting a lot done but still feel like a failure
The term psychologist use for this is over-functioning. At times we tend to go beyond functioning and actually use our performance as a way to try to hide from our feelings. A clue to whether our functioning is at a healthy or unhealthy level is how our doing makes us feel. Are we feeling productive, efficient, in the flow? If so, then our doing is likely coming from a healthy place. On the other other hand if we are getting a lot done but still feeling like a failure, we are likely using our doing in an unhealthy way.
2 You tie your worth to what you are doing
If your doing is about proving your worth, you will likely find that it is never enough. I find that there are two extremes of tying my worth to my performance. One leads to pride, because I’ve done something that makes it so I overestimate my worth. The other leads to self-contempt.
With the pride version, I tend to look at my performance as better than others. It can be very easy, for example, to think others are lazy when we are over-working.
With the self-contempt version, I tend to look at my performance as coming up short compared to others. In can be easy, for example, to think others don’t struggle the way I do. That somehow I am less-than because I have to work at something.
3 You feel like you cannot stop or take a break
When your doing feels like it has to be done right this minute. Or that you cannot stop or take a break, that is a warning sign. Sure there are emergencies when things just have to be done right then and there, but most of life is more flexible than that. Therefore lack of flexibility is a warning sign.
Do any of the above sound familiar? They sure do to me! None of this is about condemning ourselves, but more about recognizing signs that can help us pause and make other choices.
What to do instead
When I notice any of the above, I try to pause, and recognize that my feelings are trying to get my attention. My best course of action is likely to stop and listen to myself. I don’t mean to become self-centered. I simply mean to give myself the care that is appropriate.
Make an “Idea” list
Getting out a piece of paper an jotting down “Ideas” of what can be done is one of my favorite tools. Not a to-do list. A to-do list in these times tends to lead to more over-functioning. An idea list is flexible. It helps me feel effective, but not overwhelmed.
Take a mindful moment
Mindfulness at its heart is about reminding ourselves that we are human beings, not human doings. So at times when I find myself over-functioning, taking a moment to stop and connect with the here and now breaks the hyper-speed train. A way to do this can be as simple as stopping to look out a window, or rub a cool surface.
Use a timer
A timer is one of my favorite tools for a number of things. A timer in times of over-functioning helps to make sure you do not get swept away in the over-functioning. Having timer that helps me stop in 5 to 15 minutes serves me well. It makes it very impersonal to stop and decide if I want to continue on, or if I want to shift to something else.
When our feelings are overwhelming, it is natural to want to avoid them. However, they will find a way to get our attention. So it is often better to notice signs we are hiding and take moments to feel the feelings and then support ourselves to make sure our doing comes from a healthier place.
