Category: Yourself

Yourself

Mental Health, Yourself

When Your Feelings Make Sense, But You Still Judge Yourself for Them

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Our feelings are indicators and they can be based on a number of things. Some of those things are happening in the present. Some relate to things in our past. Some are rational. Some are not. This post is not about trying to make every feeling be explainable. It is about times when your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them.

In my work lately I have been struggling emotionally. This morning, I took a bit of time to reflect and asked myself what I was feeling. Some of the emotion words that came up were – lonely, uncertain, frustrated. Can you relate? I noticed that even acknowledging these feelings brought up self-judgement in me. This self-judgement adds further negativity and is part of a trauma response. My inner critic, actually wants to protect me in certain ways based on my past. In the process, though, he tends to berate me.

Realize the self-judgement is likely a trauma response

Many people who go through trauma as a child receive the message that their feelings are not valid. This message of judgement toward feelings or expressions of feelings is therefore rooted in this trauma. Even this realization can be helpful to you.

Getting curious

More and more I am learning about the power of curiosity with my feelings. Rather than simply accepting the self-judgement, I chose to approach these feelings with some curiosity. The more I kindly looked at what I had been experiencing, I realized how much it made sense. In some ways, it was as if I were hearing a friend describe how they felt in my situation. I was able to say to myself, of course you feel lonely. That makes so much sense given what you are going through.

“That makes so much sense given what you are going through.”

When your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them, may I offer that self-compassion be one of the tools you enlist in these times.

Self-compassion

What self-compassion is not meant to be:

  • License to treat people poorly. Yes, your feelings are valid, but that does not mean you get to take them out on other people.
  • License to wallow in self-pity. There is definitely a line to watch out for when self-compassion can cross over into self-pity.

Kristen Neff shares about self-compassion in her books and talks. Some ways to cultivate self-compassion that she shares:

  1. Speak kindly to yourself.
  2. Spend time doing things you truly enjoy.
  3. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
  4. Strive to avoid judgements and assumptions.
  5. Take care of your mind and your body.
  6. Cultivate acceptance, including your flaws.

Another lesson I learned from Kristen was the value in acknowledging to yourself. This is hard, while recognizing the common-ness of hard things that we humans face. Kristen provides a self-compassion break exercise on her site that I use regularly.

I hope you find this helpful when your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them.

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

Partnering with Yourself

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Thoughts come rushing in. Feelings seem overwhelming. In these times it can be so easy to be swept away in either or both of these currents. Instead recently I’ve learned to see these as opportunities to partner with myself. I want to encourage you to also consider ways of partnering with yourself.

Helpful questions to ask yourself:

  • What do I need right now?
  • How would I offer to help a friend in this situation?
  • Is there something physical I can do to help myself – do I need to drink some water, eat something, take a walk?
  • Is there something creative I’m yearning to express?
  • Would some time just in worship help?

Just the other night, I had a surge of physical sensations, seemingly out of nowhere. I’m not sure if it qualified as a hot flash or hot flush or something totally separate. I suddenly felt very warm, my heart was beating faster, and I generally felt unsteady. I happened to be with other people and I felt like my face was bright red. My instinct was to get out of there, as quick and as discretely as possible. The situation was such that this really wasn’t a possibility. As I breathed through the sensations my mind ran through a rolodex of options. Here is what I did to partner with myself.

  • Breathed deeply.
  • Acknowledged I was struggling.
  • Stepped away to the restroom – used this time to asked myself some of the questions above.
  • Washed my hands with cool water and connected to that sensation.
  • Took a few sips of water.
  • Did my best to be kind to myself, at least internally.

Another post for these times that you might find helpful is The Power of Slowing Down

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

Mental Health Tool – Noting Subjective Units of Distress

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A mental health tool that I recently learned about is noting subjective units of distress (SUDs). I’ll cover the basic idea and then help explain how and when to apply it.

What is noting subjective units of distress?

Noting subjective units of distress, is basically just rating how much distress you feel in the moment on a scale from 0 to 10. 0 being absolutely none and 8 to 10 being highly distressed. The practice is most helpful if you consciously choose to stop and take note multiple times throughout your day. A simple check in practice with yourself can be very helpful.

How SUDs check-ins can look

Last week I was on a business trip, outside my normal surroundings. The venue was lovely and in many ways could have been a vacation-like atmosphere. I am aware that being in unfamiliar places can be challenging for me, I deliberately committed to checking in with myself on a regular basis. Mid-morning, I would take a deep breath and scan my body. I’d rate my sensations. At some point during lunch I’d do the same. Some time in the afternoon, then again in the evening. Just as I went to bed would be another check point. I noticed over the days that at times I would pick up on patterns of when I was more amped up than others. I also noticed at times I was in a very different mental space than I might have anticipated – sometimes lower in terms of distress and other times higher. For the practice of noting, I just made the observation. It is important not to try to over diagnose.

When is it most helpful to note your SUDs?

I find that this tool is especially helpful in situations where I feel a bit of vulnerability. My trip last week was an example of this. It helps me to realize that my feelings of distress do ebb and flow. It also helps me to pause and take in the good when my distress is low. I am more in tune to resource myself when the distress is high. Additionally, during times when I notice I am at an 8 or 9, I know to allow myself to get through that time before trying to take on more or make any decisions. A helpful phrase I’ve learned is, “I need a break right now.”

No shaming aloud

One caution I have with this is to remind yourself that no shaming is aloud. It can be very easy to instead use this information to shame yourself. You probably know the tone of this all too well. It goes something like this. Why am I so freaked out? For goodness sakes, just calm down. You should be enjoying yourself. Look no one else is struggling like you are. I will write more in the future about dealing with this inner critic, but for now just know that the point of noting where your distress level is at is all about tuning in to yourself and resourcing yourself.

More of where I learned about this tool and some variations

I first learned about subjective units of distress (SUDs) from reading I had done about a type of therapy known as Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I’ve heard a number of variations on this. To a certain extent basic mindfulness has an element of this in that it includes paying attention to the current moment, non-judgmentally. Mel Robbins in her 5 Second Journal has a section where she has you circle how you’re feeling today on a gas gauge from depleted through energized. This is a similar concept of checking in with yourself and noting without having to make yourself wrong.

We all have times where we feel more or less distress. We do not have to look like everyone else. May I encourage you today to tune in to yourself and be on your own side.

Resources if you find your SUDs are high

We all have those times when our SUDs just hit high levels, sometimes with easily understood circumstances and sometimes seemingly for no reason. I did wanted to list some helpful resources in these times.

  • Slow Down – I wrote about the Power of Slowing Down here.
  • Start Writing Things Down, if needed – this not only helps you slow down, it also helps when our brain is having trouble remembering.
  • Breathe Deeply – Andrew Huberman recommends the physiological sigh to lower arousal. It is simply taking 2 sips of air in, followed by an extended exhale. Doing this a few times can really help to signal to your body that you are safe.
  • Say to yourself, “I feel afraid, but I am not in danger.” or “I am safe, resourced, and connected.”
  • Let Go and Start Again – I wrote about this here.
  • I wrote an article on 10 Things Christians Can Do When They Feel Antsy.

I pray you find these helpful, but please comment if you have questions or other suggestions.

Mental Health, Yourself

Let go and start again

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I had a rough day today. Can you relate? Do you have those days when you beat yourself because you know better?

Scripture tells us something really practical to do in these moments.

“Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14

Let go and start again, is how I summarize this.

I find often people give the advice to let go and let God. While I understand this and it can be good advice. Many times, I find, I still have a role to play. That is why I suggest, and I believe this verse points to starting again / pressing forward.

If you have noticed your heading the wrong direction, I encourage you to let go and start again.

Mind, Yourself

The Power of Slowing Down

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“I have got to do something.” “I have got to get out of here.” As I have begun paying attention, I’ve begun noticing how bossy emotions can be at times. This is where the power of slowing down has been one of my newer tools.

When I notice thoughts coming too fast to process, I try to pause, breath, then slow down. It is counterintuitive, but powerful. I find slowing down in these times, actually often leads to more, not less, productivity.

A few questions I find that are helpful:

  1. Is my body tense?
  2. Am I being invited into this, or do I feel rushed or pushed?
  3. Am I here now, or have I, mentally, moved ahead of myself?

Next time you find yourself pressing through, I invite you to pause, relax your body and slow down. I think you’ll find you get just as much done, but with much more peace.

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

Tools for When You are Under Pressure

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When the clock is ticking and you have to do something it can be tempting to abandon all you know is healthy and go for what is easy. In this post I want to explore tools for when you are under pressure.

It is the day before the fiscal year end and suddenly things that have gone unresolved have to be addressed. The ones actually responsible for resolving the issues either cannot be reached or somehow manage to redirect the pressure cooker to you. Or perhaps it is your own doing. You knew you had this deadline. The urgent, or maybe even the just more fun, kept usurping its power over the important. In either case, you’re here now and you need to do something.

Start with Awareness

It is interesting to understand research says some people actually perform better under this kind of time stress. There is also research that says that parts of our brain go off-line in favor of other areas when we are stressed. Like most things, the first tool I will recommend is awareness. Tuning in to your body with compassion for the demands it is experiencing is a kind first step.

Guard Your Heart

Scripture tells us to guard our hearts above all else because all of life flows from it.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23 NIV

In times of stress, I find it becomes very easy to become resentful. “Why didn’t they come to me sooner?” “Why do I always have to do this?” “This project is stupid anyway.” are some of the thoughts that come to mind. Although there may be some validity to them. This is likely not a fruitful train of thought in the immediate. During times when you are under pressure, sometimes you need to focus on the short term, then make a plan to address the long term after the crisis has been addressed.

Choose Wisely

My husband was a combat medic and he describes a process of triage that he was instructed in when coming upon a medical emergency. Although, thankfully, most times of pressure are not medical emergencies, the principals of prioritizing and choice making can serve us well in these times. A key thing to recognize when under pressure, is that not all requests are created equal. It is ok to make choices of what will and what will not receive your attention.

Regroup Once the Pressure Has Lifted

As mentioned multiple times above, times of pressure often involve short term compromises. As necessary as those can be short term, they can be detrimental if they extend beyond their useful life. It is very important to regroup once the pressure has lifted. Some things to consider:

  • What lead to this time of pressure?
  • Were there things that could have been done differently to avoid this?
  • Who is accountable for doing the things that will help this be avoided?
  • How can we better handle these things in the future?
  • Are there ways to lessen the impact in the future?
  • Did this time of pressure lead to any things that need to be addressed now? In other words, are there messes to clean up?
  • Can formal triage procedures be put in place?

I’d love to hear from you, what are some tolls for when you are under pressure that you have found helpful?

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

Take Time to Arrive

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Have you ever felt like all of your interactions in a day feel like they are mid-sentence? As if everyone else has some context you are missing? As if you are running behind?

Recently I’ve begun to see these feels as signals. Signals that I can invite myself to take time to arrive.

What this looks like

It can certainly vary based on the person and based on the context. For example the specifics that I do in a work context are different than when I’m at home by myself. The key, for me, is reconnecting with the present moment. I often do this through conscious breathing. There is something so reassuring about the presence of our breath. It can become quite short when we rush through our interactions. Slowing down my breath can have a profound effect on the tempo of my day. Another go-to for me are grounding techniques such as feeling the seat I am sitting in. Feeling the ground that I’m standing on.

So if today feels a bit like you are running behind, I invite you to take time to arrive and see if that just doesn’t actually help things settle a bit.

How about you? What things help you connect with the present as you are going about your day?

Body, Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

Sleep and Our Feelings

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So often when I read of the importance of sleep, I get frustrated. This is because I want to sleep and sometimes struggle with actually doing it. Have you been there? Does it ever feel like you’re not sure who is in charge in the middle of the night. The you who desperately wants to sleep or the you who is wide awake? For this reason, this post is not going to discuss the importance of sleep and how it impacts many areas of our waking hours including our feelings. It will instead give some real-world practical suggestions for things to do in those wee hours when you want to be sleeping but are not.

Focus more on the now than on the coming day

It is so easy to get into the what if dialog within your brain when you wake repeatedly in the night. Certainly there are effects we feel when we’ve missed sleep, and the reality is, we have gotten through all our prior rough days that followed nights with little to no sleep.

Count breaths backwards

This can be an extension of focusing on the now. As silly as it may seem but counting backwards in weird increments can actually give your brain something to focus on that is not ruminating about things you cannot control. An example can be to count backward starting at 128 in increments of 7. So 128, 121, 114, 107, 100, 93, etc.

Play the alphabet game

This is something I learned from Lynn Lyons, she suggests when we get anxious, it can be a helpful way to get our brains to break focus on what we don’t want to be focusing on and challenge them to focus on something else by playing the alphabet game in any given category. One of my favorite ways to use this is to work through the alphabet praying for people or things I know that start with an A, then a B and so on. Another option I do is work through confessions about myself for each letter. For example: I am appreciative. I am blessed. I am compassionate. Finally another favorite for me is to name off attributes of God. This fits right in with scripture.

“You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.” Isaiah 26:3

Body Scan

Deliberately move your awareness around from one body part to another slowly. Right thumb, right index finger, etc.

I pray some of these are helpful if you find yourself wanting to sleep, but your mind not being as cooperative as you would like. Are there any hints you’ve found especially useful? I’d love to hear.

Jesus, Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

How to create space to process

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Pause

When there is just too much on my plate, I need space. Have you ever been in traffic and just wished for space. Too many cars, too much movement, too much input from the billboards, and of course it is pouring rain. What we long for in these cases of overstimulation is space. Room to process. I recently came across a free app that has been really helpful in reminding me to create space for me to process.

The app is called One Minute Pause, it was put out by John Eldridge’s ministry – Wild at Heart. It is a great app that provides verses, phrases, prayers that provide a one minute, as the name suggests. It also allows for three, five or ten minute pauses. It has options that allow you to receive reminders a couple times a day to take a pause. Then you chose which length.

My favorite way to use the app:

I prefer to set my alarms for mid-morning and mid-afternoon. This is because I tend to do well first thing in the morning and last thing at night on my own, but these mid-day reminders are helpful for me. If I have people around, which is most of the time mid-day, I prefer to turn off the sound on the app. I simply look at it and breath deeply while reading it silently.

These pauses have been very helpful to me. They have been helpful as a way to help reset my baseline, in terms of by nervous system. They are also helpful in creating space I need to process when things get a bit overwhelming.

So may I encourage you to give it a try. Take a pause, to give yourself space to process.

Do you have a favorite free app to recommend which you’ve found helpful in creating space? I’d love to hear about it. If you’d like to read things you can do when you feel antsy – I have written a post that you mind find helpful.

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

3 Signs You Might Be Avoiding Your Feelings and What to Do About it

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In this post I will go over 3 signs that you might be avoiding your feelings and follow it up with some suggestions of what to do instead.

1 You are getting a lot done but still feel like a failure

The term psychologist use for this is over-functioning. At times we tend to go beyond functioning and actually use our performance as a way to try to hide from our feelings. A clue to whether our functioning is at a healthy or unhealthy level is how our doing makes us feel. Are we feeling productive, efficient, in the flow? If so, then our doing is likely coming from a healthy place. On the other other hand if we are getting a lot done but still feeling like a failure, we are likely using our doing in an unhealthy way.

2 You tie your worth to what you are doing

If your doing is about proving your worth, you will likely find that it is never enough. I find that there are two extremes of tying my worth to my performance. One leads to pride, because I’ve done something that makes it so I overestimate my worth. The other leads to self-contempt.

With the pride version, I tend to look at my performance as better than others. It can be very easy, for example, to think others are lazy when we are over-working.

With the self-contempt version, I tend to look at my performance as coming up short compared to others. In can be easy, for example, to think others don’t struggle the way I do. That somehow I am less-than because I have to work at something.

3 You feel like you cannot stop or take a break

When your doing feels like it has to be done right this minute. Or that you cannot stop or take a break, that is a warning sign. Sure there are emergencies when things just have to be done right then and there, but most of life is more flexible than that. Therefore lack of flexibility is a warning sign.

Do any of the above sound familiar? They sure do to me! None of this is about condemning ourselves, but more about recognizing signs that can help us pause and make other choices.

What to do instead

When I notice any of the above, I try to pause, and recognize that my feelings are trying to get my attention. My best course of action is likely to stop and listen to myself. I don’t mean to become self-centered. I simply mean to give myself the care that is appropriate.

Make an “Idea” list

Getting out a piece of paper an jotting down “Ideas” of what can be done is one of my favorite tools. Not a to-do list. A to-do list in these times tends to lead to more over-functioning. An idea list is flexible. It helps me feel effective, but not overwhelmed.

Take a mindful moment

Mindfulness at its heart is about reminding ourselves that we are human beings, not human doings. So at times when I find myself over-functioning, taking a moment to stop and connect with the here and now breaks the hyper-speed train. A way to do this can be as simple as stopping to look out a window, or rub a cool surface.

Use a timer

A timer is one of my favorite tools for a number of things. A timer in times of over-functioning helps to make sure you do not get swept away in the over-functioning. Having timer that helps me stop in 5 to 15 minutes serves me well. It makes it very impersonal to stop and decide if I want to continue on, or if I want to shift to something else.

When our feelings are overwhelming, it is natural to want to avoid them. However, they will find a way to get our attention. So it is often better to notice signs we are hiding and take moments to feel the feelings and then support ourselves to make sure our doing comes from a healthier place.