Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

3 Signs You Might Be Avoiding Your Feelings and What to Do About it

In this post I will go over 3 signs that you might be avoiding your feelings and follow it up with some suggestions of what to do instead.

1 You are getting a lot done but still feel like a failure

The term psychologist use for this is over-functioning. At times we tend to go beyond functioning and actually use our performance as a way to try to hide from our feelings. A clue to whether our functioning is at a healthy or unhealthy level is how our doing makes us feel. Are we feeling productive, efficient, in the flow? If so, then our doing is likely coming from a healthy place. On the other other hand if we are getting a lot done but still feeling like a failure, we are likely using our doing in an unhealthy way.

2 You tie your worth to what you are doing

If your doing is about proving your worth, you will likely find that it is never enough. I find that there are two extremes of tying my worth to my performance. One leads to pride, because I’ve done something that makes it so I overestimate my worth. The other leads to self-contempt.

With the pride version, I tend to look at my performance as better than others. It can be very easy, for example, to think others are lazy when we are over-working.

With the self-contempt version, I tend to look at my performance as coming up short compared to others. In can be easy, for example, to think others don’t struggle the way I do. That somehow I am less-than because I have to work at something.

3 You feel like you cannot stop or take a break

When your doing feels like it has to be done right this minute. Or that you cannot stop or take a break, that is a warning sign. Sure there are emergencies when things just have to be done right then and there, but most of life is more flexible than that. Therefore lack of flexibility is a warning sign.

Do any of the above sound familiar? They sure do to me! None of this is about condemning ourselves, but more about recognizing signs that can help us pause and make other choices.

What to do instead

When I notice any of the above, I try to pause, and recognize that my feelings are trying to get my attention. My best course of action is likely to stop and listen to myself. I don’t mean to become self-centered. I simply mean to give myself the care that is appropriate.

Make an “Idea” list

Getting out a piece of paper an jotting down “Ideas” of what can be done is one of my favorite tools. Not a to-do list. A to-do list in these times tends to lead to more over-functioning. An idea list is flexible. It helps me feel effective, but not overwhelmed.

Take a mindful moment

Mindfulness at its heart is about reminding ourselves that we are human beings, not human doings. So at times when I find myself over-functioning, taking a moment to stop and connect with the here and now breaks the hyper-speed train. A way to do this can be as simple as stopping to look out a window, or rub a cool surface.

Use a timer

A timer is one of my favorite tools for a number of things. A timer in times of over-functioning helps to make sure you do not get swept away in the over-functioning. Having timer that helps me stop in 5 to 15 minutes serves me well. It makes it very impersonal to stop and decide if I want to continue on, or if I want to shift to something else.

When our feelings are overwhelming, it is natural to want to avoid them. However, they will find a way to get our attention. So it is often better to notice signs we are hiding and take moments to feel the feelings and then support ourselves to make sure our doing comes from a healthier place.

Mind

Chatter

“Chatter” is the title of an audiobook I recently listened to. It is subtitled, “The voice in our head, why it matters, and how to harness it.” It is written by Ethan Kross, a psychologist. This post will share some of what I learned from that book. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by an internal voice, I think you will find this book very practical and helpful.

The book begins with a compelling context for what lead to the author writing the book. I’m not sue about you, but I find it really helpful to know that a person is writing from personal experience, and not simply from intellectual review.

Here are specific recommendations I saw in the book:

  • There is value in widening our perspective. He covers this in a chapter called, “Zooming Out.”
  • Changing our wording to include our name can help create distance. He covers this in a chapter called, “When I become you.”
  • There can be great value in talking things through with others, but there are cautions to be aware of here. He covers this in a chapter called, “The power and peril of other people.”

So practically speaking – I was left with this suggestion. When those voices in my mind feel overwhelming, I challenge myself to zoom out and refer to myself by name. As simple as it sounds, it is very helpful.

Family, Mental Health, Mind

Resource for Parents with Children who feel Anxious

Do you, as a parent, wonder how best to help your child(ren) navigate feelings of anxiousness? I know for myself I had a lot of insecurity and lack of tools around these types of subjects.

As a Christian mom, my greatest goal was to point my children to Jesus. That certainly has not changed, but from a practical standpoint, I often wondered if I was navigating certain situations in the most helpful way, not only short-term but also long. Today I came across a podcast (her podcast is called Flusterclux) with Lynn Lyons. She is a psychotherapist with more than 30 years experience, specializing in anxiety. I think you will agree she has a very down to earth, practical, empowering way of explaining things. I also think you’ll find much of what she shares will not only be helpful to your child(ren) but you as well.

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

10 Things Christians Can Do When They Feel Antsy

I think we all have those times when we feel a bit unsettled, or a bit antsy. Many times, as Christians, we are given the impression that if only our faith was great enough, we would never feel anxious. In this post I want to provide some really practical things you can do when you feel anxious or unsettled, while still acknowledging that God is on the throne.

1 Feel the feeling

I can hear people arguing already. After all doesn’t the Bible tell us many times not to fear and to be anxious for nothing? It does, however H. Norman Wright’s writings on grief helped me to see the tone with which these admonitions were likely given with and that is one of strengthening and encouraging, rather than scolding. Think of how you might handle if your small child woke in the middle of a storm, the tone with which you might say, “awe, hon’ you don’t have to be afraid, I’m right here.”

When we are willing to feel our feelings, rather than trying to stuff them, we will often find that the feelings can process through and not get stuck or stuffed, only to re-surface another time.

2 Breath prayer

Once we have connected with the feeling(s), it can be very helpful to involve our parasympathetic nervous system. This is a physiological system that is involved in regulating us, calming us down. Slow rhythmic breathing is one such skill that can be engaged in to bring this system more online. Breath prayer incorporates the slow rhythmic breathing with praying. So we slowly inhale focusing on a truth, and slowly exhale focusing on a truth. Some of my favorites are (while inhaling) focus on “My God is here” (while exhaling) “I am at peace” – see how each phrase has 4 syllables, this helps it to stay rhythmic. I’ve since learned that extended exhales can be even more calming. So now I often have a shorter phrase for the inhale and a longer for the exhale. Example: (while inhaling) “My God is here.” (while exhaling) “I am loved and have a sound mind.” This gives me a count of 4 syllables on the inhale and 8 on the exhale. I generally will repeat these phrases/breaths at least 3 to 5 times. I highly recommend this as a very practical way of addressing the immediate sensations of anxiousness, but also as I pro-active practice throughout the day.

3 Grounding in the now

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

The only time we can do or feel anything is now. Very often when we are feeling antsy it has to do with our mind being in a different place than our body. Our mind may be focusing on the past or the future, while our body is here now. I’ve learned a few exercises over the years that can help to ground me in the now, where faith is. One of my favorites is all about utilizing our five senses to connect directly with what is happening right now. If you find your mind is all over the place in terms of racing thoughts, try looking for 5 things you can see right now, 4 things you can touch/feel right now, 3 things you can hear right now, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. The 5 senses help ground us in now. This also is a great rescue tool, meaning it can be utilized right in the moments of panic.

4 Self compassion – through touch

Dr. Kristin Neff has written extensively on self-compassion. One of the things I learned from her was the value of offering ourselves compassion through physical touch. When we experience unsettling feelings, it can be very helpful to simply place our hand gently on our hearts. Combining this with breath prayer can be very powerful.

5 Reminders of prior successes

Sometimes when I am going through antsy feelings, I lose perspective and begin to think everything I do is failing. In order to bring more perspective to this, it can be very helpful to remind ourselves of prior successes. A truth I would offer you to embrace is that you have successfully gotten through every challenge you have faced thus far in your life. I don’t mean everything is resolved. I don’t mean you handled them all the way you would always want to. The reality is you have done the best you can up until now and that is worthy of appreciation.

6 Pen and paper

I know journaling can be something that a person tends to gravitate toward or against. I want to encourage you, if you are feeling agitated to give it a try. There is something about the tactile sensation of putting pen (or pencil) to paper. Additionally this can help get things out of our head and onto paper where sometimes we can see things from a new perspective. A few options if you don’t prefer to journal in full sentences include just jotting down words or phrases that are on your mind, or doodling. Both of these still accomplish much.

7 Move body

I have found often when I feel antsy, I feel a bit of an adrenaline rush. To process this, it can be very helpful to move our body. My favorite is to go for a walk in nature. Dr. Andrew Huberman, a Stanford Neurobiologist, shares that dogs tend to shake when they need to release stress and this is something we can benefit from as well. Additionally, he shares the value of broadening our visual focus in times of stress. Looking out a window can be very helpful.

8 Reach out

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

God designed us to live in connection to one another. He sent His son because He desired a larger family (Romans 8:29). Sometimes the best thing we can do is make a connection with another human being, not for them to replace God, but for them to remind us that we are each humans in need of our God.

9 Think eternally

“Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” Colossians 3:2

This may sound somewhat contradictory to item #3 above, which spoke about the only real time we can do anything is now. As I explain further, I hope it will become clear how both of these approaches can be helpful and are not actually adversarial in any way. Thinking eternally simply puts the now in perspective. I’m sure you have heard people share that when you are in a disagreement with someone you love, a good practice can be to think about if this issue will matter in 5 years. Similarly, it can be very helpful when we are in distress to remind ourselves that God has all of time figured out and that is something we can keep our trust in Him for.

10 Set up Rhythms of Grace

My last tip for those times that you feel antsy, is something I’ve been learning the value of more and more over the years. It is grounded in the idea that decision fatigue is a real thing. Sometimes we literally get tired just from all the decisions that are required of us on an ongoing basis. In order to minimize this type of stress, I like to incorporating things in my life that I call “Rhythms of Grace.” These are things I can and do practice on pretty much auto-pilot – no need for decisions each day. Brushing your teeth is likely one of these for most people. We just tend to get up, head to the bathroom and brush our teeth. This serves us well, but is not something we have to invest a lot of mental efforts into. During this last year, I have chosen some things that I have incorporated into my day in a similar way. Since it is very helpful to have these things anchored with things – the same way brushing your teeth is anchored with getting up in the morning – I have chosen 5 general times in the day that I have anchored “Rhythms of Grace.” For me that is 1) first thing in the morning 2) mid-morning 3) mid-afternoon 4) evening 5) when going to bed. I can share the specifics of mine, but the specifics of yours can and should, most likely look different. For me first thing in the morning, I begin with breath prayer right in bed … I love waking up taking a deep breath and thinking something like “It’s Christ in me” “I am enough” or “My God is here” “I am at peace” Mid-morning and mid-afternoon I have alarms in my phone to remind myself to be present. I have scriptures I read and breath deeply at these times. In the evening I move my body in someway – most often taking a walk outside. When going to bed – I try to end each night with prayers of gratitude and taking time to honor successes. For me this means that I try to reflect on things that I considered “wins” from the day. They can be big or small. As you can see my rhythms don’t take a ton of time, but they are conscious ways to incorporate many of the things I listed in the above tips.

I pray some of these things can help you in moments of panic or stress and some can help to minimize the amount of stress you experience. Please feel free to reach out in the comments if you need prayer.

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

Feelings

Today I heard a quote by Mel Robbins, which got me thinking.

“How you’re feeling right now, is a function of what you see in the future.” — Mel Robbins

While I think there is some truth in this quote, it certainly isn’t the full picture, so please know as you read this there is more to feelings than simply making future goals.

Path
Path of Life

Scripture tells us, that God will make known the way we should go. It also tells us where we can find joy.

“You will make known to me the path of life, in Your presence is fullness of joy in Your right hand there are pleasures forever.” Psalm 16:11

I really appreciate much of what Mel Robbins shares, because, first, she is extremely practical. And honestly I think sometimes we just need someone to tell us something we can do that will make a difference. Second, she has a great way of boiling things down that can feel overwhelming. I very much appreciate that!

Emotions can be influenced by physical, mental, and spiritual things.

Now I’d like to add to the conversation about where feelings come from. As Mel mentioned in the quote above, our outlook on the future certainly can influence how we are feeling. In addition to this, I believe our feelings also can be indicators of more immediate things. These can include physical, mental, and spiritual things. For example in this post, I wrote about the some physical things such as dehydration, low blood sugar etc that can impact anxiety. Certainly our sleep or lack thereof can influence how we feel emotionally.

I want to encourage you that addressing any one of these areas can be helpful to you. So don’t allow the idea that these three can be involved to add to your overwhelm. Instead I’d suggest starting with whatever feels most do-able, knowing anything you do in these areas with the intent to serve yourself is likely to make a difference.

Can you offer yourself what you would a friend or a child?

Perhaps thinking about it from the vantage point of serving a friend, or a child might help also. If you had a friend who was distressed, would you grab them a cool cup of water, or warm cup of tea? Can you do the same for yourself. If you had a friend or saw a young child distressed would you be willing to simply hold them and say comforting things like “I’m here for you.” “It’s going to be ok.” Can you offer yourself the same? A phrase I say to myself on a regular basis right now is, simply …

I will be kind to myself today.

As simple as that phrase is, it has been powerful for me. As most of us are aware when we think about how we speak to ourselves, the tone can be quite harsh. I have been blessed to have two children, and anyone with more than one child who is able to speak, probably knows the feeling of having to remind one or both siblings to be kind to the other. Well, I’ve found that I needed to be reminded (or told for the first time) to be kind to myself. Can you set this intention also today – to be kind to yourself? It doesn’t have to mean you love everything you do, or that you are not open to making needed corrections. It simply means that you are committed to dealing with those things with kindness.

Following Jesus’ Model

There actually is a scripture that very much aligns with the Mel Robins quote I started this post with.

“Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2

Jesus when he was going through the worst experience of his life, he focused on joy that was to come later. So give yourself permission to see good things in the future, if right now is especially hard. If you need prayer – please feel free to reach out.

Jesus, Mind

Kingdom of God

Is Technology Disrupting Brain Development? | by Jump Associates | Medium

Yesterday I heard two messages that both mentioned the kingdom of God and I feel like God linked them together in a way that I had not considered before. 

“Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.”  Matthew 3:2   

The word “repent” in this case comes from 2 Greek words meta, which means change, noeo’, which means mind.  So, repent really means change one’s mind

“For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink, but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 14:17

Combining these verses – it can be understood as Jesus encouraging us to change our minds, because righteousness, and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit is at hand. 

With that as background, I’d like to expand on the role of the mind and the kingdom of God. 

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.  And be not conformed to this world: but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”  Romans 12:2

“Transformed by the renewing of your mind.”  That phrase itself points out how we can be transformed – changed from the inside out.  The verse goes on to say what is possible when our minds are renewed, “that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”  I want to live in such a way that I can prove the will of God.  I think of this as meaning that I am able to demonstrate to others (and myself) the will of God.  In other words, live out this life the way God wants.  Please understand, this is not about salvation or how you get to heaven – that is about faith in the finished work of Jesus and making him Lord of your life.  This is about how we live our life. 

“If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord.’ And believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.”  Romans 10:9-10

Often the “kingdom of God” can feel theoretical. 

Back to changing our mind and the kingdom of God.  Often the “kingdom of God” can feel theoretical.  That is why I love the Romans 14:7 verse so much because it brings it down to somethings that we can all relate to.  In the message that I listen to yesterday, the speaker pointed out that sometimes we tend to focus more on the righteousness portion of the kingdom of God, but if we are not living in peace and joy and demonstrating these in our life, we are portraying an incomplete message of what the kingdom of God is. 

The peace and joy portion of what makes up the kingdom of God reminds me of the post I recently put up about Romans 15:13.  In that post I personalized the verse as “Now may the God of hope fill me with all joy and peace in believing, that I may about in hope by the power of the holy spirit.” Joy and peace are not things to muster up by some sort of forced will power, they are listed among the fruit of the spirit. This means like apples are fruit of an apple tree, joy and peace (among other things) are the fruit of the spirit.

Body, Mind

Peri-menopause and Anxiety

Today I watched a video (link) titled “How to calm menopause anxiety”. I would suggest it might be better titled as “How to calm peri-menopause anxiety.” I say that because it focuses on a symptom that tends to happen as we transition from “normal” periods to that place where we no longer have periods (after 1 full year of no periods we are then in menopause). Even with this slight tweak to the title, I felt there was many really practical and do-able tips in this video.

Hydration

I had not realized, but apparently dehydration can induce anxiety. Also dehydration can lead to similar symptoms like heart palpation. So, a really simple tip she gives if you find yourself getting anxious or feeling a panic attack coming on is to drink a full glass of water. She especially points out that sometimes if you get first thing in the morning anxiety, it may especially be related to hydration.

Low blood sugar

Low blood sugar levels can actually trigger anxiety symptoms. In the video she recommends eating little and often.

Relaxation / Meditation

She really encourages 30 minutes each day of “me time.”

Deep breathing

Her recommendation is breathing in very slowly to the count of 4, pause, then breath out slowing to the count of 4. I would add, if you are a Christian, you may want to look into breath praying. The basic idea is you breath a scripture phrase, or truth in slowly, pause then breath a scripture phrase, or truth out slowly.

Walk

In the video she suggests even a 10 minute walk, especially outside is great.

Journaling

She suggests that not only should you journal your feelings, but jot down facts about what you observe. She suggests that these may lead you to see patterns, for example does the anxious feeling happen every afternoon around 4. If so, maybe it is blood sugar related. I would caution with this, let this serve you, not the other way around. I say this because the thing with anxiety is sometimes it can lead to over-reaching for control.

I hope you find some of these practical tips helpful.

Jesus, Spirit, Yourself

Hope, Peace, Joy

God has brought this verse, Romans 15:13 in several ways over the last couple of months. The non-personalized version reads,

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

At times God prompts me to personalize verses. Too often when I read “you” it is processed by me as “you” as in everyone else. But when I read it with “I” or “me” it helps me to realize in a deeper way how the verse applies to me! If this is helpful to you, I encourage you to adopt this as well.

Now – timing matters

I love so much that this verse begins with “Now.” Faith is always in the now. In the verse that provide what faith is, also begins with “Now”, “Now faith is…” and in the Romans 15:13 verse the timing is now (perpetually) for us to have hope, peace and joy by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Fill – the opposite of empty

I know many are feeling empty right now. This scripture prayer asks God to fill us with all joy and peace in believing.

Abound

What a wonderful word to precede “hope” with. “Abound in hope.”

How?

The ending of this verse let’s us know how it will be done, “by the Holy Spirit.” This not about a pep talk or self-will. It is a work of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus, Mind, Spirit, Yourself

God Affirmations

This morning I did a search on Biblical Affirmations. Let’s face it, we all have times where we are struggling more than others. I have found that stating and re-stating truths is one of my greatest weapons on those rough days.

I found this resource – it is a little over an hour. It is this really cool combination of “I AM” statements followed by reading of scriptures that support those affirmations. Apparently this ministry has many such videos – consider checking them out. I pray that this resource will help you in a time you might be struggling or just bless you in a time when you are at rest.

Jesus, Mental Health, Spirit, Yourself

Being Seen

I listened to a podcast called Things Above, which is based on Colossians 3:2 “Set your mind on things above, not on things that are on earth.” In this episode, the host, James Bryan Smith, talks to Michael John Cusick. He is a Christian Counselor who runs a ministry that does intensive counselling in Colorado. His ministry is called Restoring the Soul. I want to share some of my notes from this podcast in the hopes that it will be helpful for others.

The scripture he began speaking about was Proverbs 20:5 “The purposes of ones heart are deep waters, but a person of understanding draws them out.”

He related this to all the ways we mishandle our pain. Wow, did that resonate with me! In other words, often we can deceive even our own selves about why we are doing the things we are doing.

He shared about 5 “W’s” – Wickedness, Weakness, Woundedness, Warfare, and Wiring. Many people focus on the first W – through sin-management. Addressing the other 4 Ws often take care of the sin, without making it the focus.

Shame breads disconnection.

He shares that our deepest calling is to live in place where our soul is Seen, Soothed, Safe, and Secure. Our brain and nervous system is designed to be interpersonal. He goes on to explain how our “fig leaves” (referring to how Adam/Eve tried to hide their sin) do not cover as much as we think. He describes how when God sees us at our worst, He greets us with “well, of course.” Simply because we are so well known.

He talks about these needs for being seen, soothed, safe and secure are needs our entire life. When we don’t get these met, we tend to either try to play big or play small. When we don’t sense that anyone is coming for us, we find substitutes. He encourages us to take time to receive the gaze of God in our life to heal areas where we have not felt seen, soothed, safe or secure. Wow, again. How often have I tried not to “need” anything. Or respond with things like “I’m fine.” When I refuse to receive, I am refusing to be seen and soothed.

So this week I want to encourage you to allow yourself to be seen, soothed, safe and secure by receiving was is needed from God.